


watch the time cause no one’s watchin’

by taonsils (mirokkuma)



Series: card fills [4]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, M/M, Online Relationship, Relationship Negotiation, Sexuality Crisis, Slice of Life, sex-repulsed asexual, spoiler: it's all ok, useless boys in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 14:26:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11465457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirokkuma/pseuds/taonsils
Summary: "Ok," Chanyeol says, and Zitao leans in to kiss him.





	watch the time cause no one’s watchin’

**Author's Note:**

> for the square 'teenagers' (they're 19)  
> oh man please bear with me I have a lot to say about this (;´Д`) this started out as me trying to get over writers block by rewriting an old drabble and wow it escalated. this is very about chantao being different, pretty confused people but also being hopeless and hopelessly in love. I've wanted to write about sex repulsion for a hundred years and it just kinda worked out that it was this bc I honestly adore chantao so much and could write them forever and a day :c
> 
> visual refs:  [♡](https://68.media.tumblr.com/6dbd8e941ee5e52a3b2ed3fed1193b27/tumblr_oswfgmvs0B1tm46dko1_1280.jpg) [♡](https://68.media.tumblr.com/311d04f328c394579aeec15be11d7831/tumblr_oswfgmvs0B1tm46dko2_500.jpg)
> 
> (other things: there is one brief reference to past self-harm. brief mention of gender identity, some discussion/thoughts about virginity)  
> a thousand heart emoji for cat for reading this through and listening to me whine endlessly about it, and a thousand frowny faces at kris for encouraging the w/c to escalate :U  
> title is from tao's Promise bc I've listened to it..300 times in the process of writing this. ok ok done, thank u;;

[im really here!!!!] Zitao texts, and moments later a photo of his feet arrives too. Heavy black boots on the shiny airport floor, his travel bag propped against his shin. Two ringed fingers poke into the edge of the photo. [how much longer!! I flew and got here faster!!!]

[im on schedule u must have arrived early :///] Chanyeol replies along with three unimpressed stickers. He even double-checked the timetable with Junmyeon, a semi-responsible adult, before he bought the tickets. He's only bussed to the airport once before and doesn't recognise the view, but the lady sitting in front has shrugged her jacket back on and has a hand on her bag on the empty seat beside her, like she's preparing to be first off when they stop. They must be approaching the building, judging by the way the lanes of traffic are merging. [i'll be 5m, be patient :P]

[no!!! I waited 2 years already!!]

[i'll tell the driver to go faster]

[(•̀o•́)ง]  
[chanyeol]  
[chanyeol :(((]  
[the plane dried my skin out :((]

Apparently the selfie that pops up in the chat is supposed to be bad in some way, but Chanyeol couldn't say where. Zitao looks every bit as unrealistically perfect as he does when he's posting sponsored make up online. Skin soft and dewy, lips glossy. His eyes are shining, and this is all really happening.

 _yeah u look ugly_ he prods out slowly, then letter by letter deletes it. Chanyeol has seen Zitao's face on a screen a hundred times (more like five hundred, probably). They send video messages and Zitao updates his IG story seven times a day, most days, always out eating or attending events or showing off the right side of his face. Chanyeol's fallen asleep with his macbook beside his pillow and Zitao an hour behind, still babbling away at his webcam enough times that he didn't think this would be weird.

They're both just the way they are. And Chanyeol, like, he moisturises and stuff, maybe borrows the odd splash of product from his sister when the pimples on his cheeks break out. Zitao's not expecting a model or anything. Which is good - Zitao is the model. Chanyeol's probably anything.

Chanyeol's knee jogs impatiently as the bus finally starts to pull around the side of the building. [nah u look beautiful ;* ] he sends, then stuffs his phone into his pocket.

The thing is, this _is_ weird. It feels uncomfortable on Chanyeol's tongue when he calls Zitao his best friend, but as far as anyone knows that's who he's picking up for a long weekend vacation. Junmyeon and Sehun are knowingly suspicious of the way Chanyeol talks about him, how jittery he's been about Zitao having finally booked a flight, but they're both reliable enough not to whisper too loudly about it. It's just weird that Zitao is here in Chanyeol's real life and not safely in his phone. It's weird that they've been dating for over a year already and neither of them has ever considered changing their mind.

  
It's crowded in the airport. The blast of the a/c at the entrance sends a chill down Chanyeol's neck, letting him know how damp he is with nerves. He lifts his cap and scrubs his fingers through his hair. It's just nerves. And that aside, he has to actually find Zitao first. It shouldn't be hard considering his height and all that shiny jewellery, but Chanyeol's definitely in the spot Zitao sent a photo of, and--

"Oh my god!"

Zitao's voice usually sounds deep, soft, but right now it's hoarse and _loud_ right beside Chanyeol's ear. Chanyeol staggers, all the breath knocked out of him by the sudden collision and nearly knocked right off his feet by the force of it.

"Oh my god, Chanyeol--" Zitao's arms are vice-tight around his shoulders, his whole body weighing against Chanyeol's back. And Chanyeol really couldn't care less about the looks they're attracting, but he does care about not having a perforated eardrum. "Chanyeol," Zitao wails again as he's shaken off his back. "You're real-- I'm really here, and, and--"

"Woah, woah," Chanyeol gets Zitao back on his own feet, an arm around his waist, and turns to actually see him. In person Zitao is actually a little taller than Chanyeol had expected - he's got a few inches on Chanyeol and it's not only because his boots are heeled. "Of course I'm fucking real," Chanyeol says, though he's probably looking up at Zitao as though he may as well not be. Zitao is real too, and he's stunning.

"Sorry, I'm just--" Zitao ducks down to retrieve his bag, which he dumped in favour of flinging himself at Chanyeol. He dusts it off and slings it over his shoulder, and he's grinning wider than Chanyeol's ever seen in pictures. "I'm so excited," he says breathlessly, nearly smacking Chanyeol with a flapping hand. His spoken Korean is a little muddled, but the glitter in his eyes gets the point across. "It took so much planning! And all that, like, my schedule--" Is he really talking _and_ signing? "But it worked out and I'm here! We're really.."

"Yeah. We are," Chanyeol agrees, scratching his neck. They're really boyfriends, for real. Even someone who hasn't been around him in real life would know it's not like him to have nothing to say, but his mouth feels like it's full of cotton balls every time he looks at Zitao. The unfamiliar scent on his clothes is from Zitao. Chanyeol feels kind of dizzy. "Bus?" He suggests, jerking a thumb in the direction he arrived from.

Zitao was adjusting his bag and didn't hear. "Huh?" Chanyeol almost backs up when he ducks his head in close, earrings swinging right beside Chanyeol's face.

"Bus. Let's leave." His knees are trembling and his heart is pounding, and he feels like such an idiot right now, but Zitao doesn't seem to mind providing enough excitement for both of them.

Zitao agrees, and then there's a scuffle as he stops in his tracks and decides he needs to update the Internet on proceedings just as a fresh wave of arrivals heads for them. Chanyeol steers him to safety by his bag straps, but Zitao's seemingly unaware of their predicament, still tapping at his phone.

"You're gonna be one of those people in a clickbait article about morons that have died taking selfies."

Everything about this meet up has been clumsy so far, including the picture Zitao takes for his Instagram. He adds five different heart emoji and doesn't seem to care that Chanyeol looks startled and ruffled and doesn't exactly fit in amongst his other posts. "All done." He forwards it to Chanyeol without being asked, smiling, leaning in close again. They both startle when Chanyeol's phone buzzes loudly in his pocket.

  
"Do you wanna go anywhere tonight?"

"Hmm?" Zitao's squinting at the small print on the back of his bus ticket.

"Like, to see stuff or eat or something." It's just starting to turn dusky, so by the time they get to their stop it'll be dark. There's not a whole lot to see in the exact area Chanyeol lives, but it wouldn't take long to travel to somewhere with more bright lights and noise. "I dunno."

Once they got outside into the queue he offered to take Zitao's bag, to be charming or something, and Zitao happily dumped it on him. Chanyeol starts swinging it between his knees. Hurry up, bus.

Zitao hums, pleased with his progress on the ticket. He and Chanyeol mostly text in Korean, some pinyin because Chanyeol is learning. Some English, because they both are. Texting someone who understands misspelled words and explains ones missing from Zitao's vocabulary is pretty different to reading official information, so he's pleased. "I warned you yesterday," he tucks the card into his pocket so just the roof and eyes of the cartoon bus on the front are sticking out, "I only came here for hugs."

Chanyeol's laugh comes out loud and nervous. Zitao glances from the stone-faced couple beside them to Chanyeol and purses back a smile. If they weren't there he'd rest his head on Chanyeol's shoulder. Personally he still would despite them, but Chanyeol would only shrug him off.

"Anyway, in real life, aren't I handsome? More than in pictures, right?" Zitao asks minutes into the journey home. The two of them make it a tight fit in these seats, knees and thighs pressed close just so Chanyeol's legs don't spill out into the aisle. Zitao's travel bag fitted overhead, but his backpack is in his lap, so his elbow is in Chanyeol's side to accommodate it.

"Hard to tell in this light," Chanyeol shrugs, not looking up from texting his group chat with Sehun and Junmyeon: _made it ok_

"Chanyeol-ah," Zitao whines, soft and heavily accented. It's nice, so Chanyeol can probably manage to be too.

Locking his phone and slipping it back into his pocket, Chanyeol twists the little he can. Zitao automatically staightens up, lifting his chin and presenting himself. "Actually, you are."

"Right?" Zitao grins, wiggling in his seat. It's beyond Chanyeol, trying to figure out when he's serious or just joking. "You are, too," Zitao says, then looks out the window. Which Chanyeol's thankful for, because he can tell he'd get tongue-tied again. In high school he'd have agreed. He was the tallest and always the one girls got caught staring across at. It's not like he's all that bad now, but..ugh. This is all just nerves.

"Shut up. I was lying anyway," he retaliates, but it's weak and Zitao isn't listening anyway, busy taking pictures of the airport lit up in the near-dark. For the last few mornings Chanyeol's looked in the mirror and noticed the crater pores on his nose, the acne scars from when he'd pick with his nails instead of doing something or another with toothpaste like Yoora told him to. He hasn't dated in so long, and another man almost feels like some weird kind of competition. None of that felt like it mattered when people only showed an interest from a distance.

For a long few minutes they silently use their phones. It's not like Chanyeol's going to announce on Instagram that his boyfriend is here for three days of cuddle piles, but he does update his story with the picture Zitao sent of his feet. He tags Zitao in it, and five seconds later Zitao is wiggling again.

Zitao probably isn't the type to appreciate having his hair mussed, but Chanyeol does it without thinking when Zitao grins at him, and it only makes him laugh. "Happy you're here," Chanyeol says quietly. Like, really super happy, but it's hard knowing what to say when they're in a little can full of people who are all keeping their voices down.

"Me too." Zitao refolds his arms over his bag and wriggles down, bending his knees higher against the seat in front. He nuzzles in against Chanyeol's shoulder, and after pretending to sneeze at the waft of peroxide from Zitao's hair, Chanyeol settles against the top of his head.

 

Chanyeol's single bed pushed up against the wall wouldn't be big enough for the two of them anyway, but he's kind of relieved Zitao didn't even ask. Zitao beelines to the couch when they get in, moving junk from the cushions to the floor beside it along with his bags.

Chanyeol doesn't have any extra blankets, because Chanyeol's still kinda bad at having a home of his own and his spare money goes on better things. He can borrow one from his sister tomorrow if Zitao gets cold tonight. Sehun or Baekhyun routinely crash here using their jackets rolled up into pillows. Chanyeol usually sleeps on Sehun's floor. Zitao still lives at home - his big house with the strange marble floor and uncomfortable looking designer furniture. He doesn't ever mention sleeping over with friends (complicated, no-compromise nighttime routine), and Chanyeol's chewed one of the cords on his hoodie entirely wet as he thinks about this.

"You ever slept on a couch before?" He asks, crouched down, unpacking all the sealed clear plastic pouches from Zitao's bag. Whatever all this stuff he puts on his face is does it's job, but it's not going to fit in the bathroom. "Your highness," he prods when Zitao doesn't seem to hear.

Zitao shrugs. "I have not. But I'm on an adventure, right?" Like Chanyeol's neighbourhood and two room apartment is all that exciting. Zitao does seem to think so, though, the way he's been looking around the cramped space since he got here. "It must be nice having somewhere all of your own."

"Yeah, it's pretty nice." Living at home had been nice too. Chanyeol's parents wouldn't have minded him staying, and it's not like he really gets up to much that he actually needed his own space for. It had just worked out, and it's near school. And means his boyfriend can come visit with no questions asked, so.

His boyfriend. Huh.

"Are you.. you're not going to sleep yet, right?" Chanyeol rests his elbows on the arm of the couch, peering over at Zitao. "Getting all your beauty sleep and whatever."

It's entirely affectionate when Zitao scowls and leans over to smack his shoulder. "And miss our first proper date night?"

Oh. "Are we making this a date?" Chanyeol catches Zitao's hand before he can hit again. He gives it a hard tug, laughing when Zitao falls forward and nearly faceplants into a cushion. "I was thinking you'd want me to blow my savings on taking you out somewhere."

"It's funny," Zitao grins, readjusting his long legs and settling where he landed. "Normally we'd be texting now anyway."

"Yeah." And here they are instead, holding hands. Chanyeol thumbs the ring on Zitao's middle finger around. It's skin warm, and his nail catches in the pattern, and he can feel the weight of Zitao's eyes on him. "So, what do you wanna do instead?"

  
All the planning made this seem like it'd be a big deal when it finally happened, but it doesn't really feel like they've only known each other in person for a few hours. Zitao wanted the novelty experience of ordering chicken from the place Chanyeol always talks about, and while they're waiting for it Chanyeol sets up the show they've been watching through a screen share when their schedules match up.

It's a sort of surreal experience meeting someone for the first time but knowing them inside out. Zitao fits right in, like he's just come to visit like he could any weekend. He nestles in against Chanyeol's shoulder and babbles endlessly over the show, like he texts endlessly when they usually watch. He insists Chanyeol eats the handful of wilted salad in their order so it goes away and stops bothering him, and Chanyeol downs Zitao's drink just to annoy him. It feels like they've been doing this for a long time.

Chanyeol flags first, gradually melting down from propping his elbow on the arm of the couch to folding his arms over it and dozing. Zitao takes the opposite side, thigh wedged against Chanyeol's hip. Neither of them hit pause on the show.

"Goodnight..no, good morning." Zitao sounds miles away, but the squeeze to Chanyeol's knee is very real. "Sleep well."

Chanyeol just grumbles. It makes Zitao giggle, lazy and heavy, and it's the last thing Chanyeol hears before he's out.

 

☆

  
It feels like barely ten minutes later when Chanyeol's aware of bright light in front of his closed eyes. The blinds are open, his laptop has been powered down and put back on charge, and the coffee table is void of takeout remains. Chanyeol tries to sit up to investigate further, but his shoulders feel all locked up from how he was sleeping. There were definitely empty glasses on the table before last night that are gone too.

There's only one logical conclusion to this. But who breaks into an apartment and cleans?

" _Finally_ you're up," comes a whine from the kitchen area. And right, the whole online relationship being real now thing. Zitao must have been bored half to death if he's been cleaning to occupy himself.

The last time Chanyeol checked the time it was nearing 2am, and they got through at least one more episode before he dozed. Tempting as it is to just plant back into the couch he pushes up onto his elbows. "How long have you been awake for?"

"You know I get up early," Zitao huffs, a hand on his hip and a carton of juice held loose in the other. The opening is creased like he's definitely been drinking from it rather than pouring. He looks dewy and soft like he probably still did his usual half hour procedure before he settled, and he's already dressed in something plain and expensive. Chanyeol's too groggy to figure out how few hours Zitao slept to be so energetic.

"Yeah, you're usually an hour behind so it doesn't seem so offensive. Did you get breakfast?"

"I did not. I'm your _guest_ , Chanyeol."

"You're my boyfriend, Zitao." Chanyeol rubs grit from the corners of his eyes. "No special treatment here."

Annoyed or flustered (or both), Zitao tuts and turns to put the juice back in the fridge, pinching the carton closed. He looks good in a plain hoodie and jeans - broad and soft - and his hair pulled up into a tiny, messy ponytail.

Chanyeol intends to back hug him or something gross like that, but he's still not entirely awake, so when he's shuffled over to Zitao he more just uses him to lean on. Zitao shifts to accommodate the weight over his back, making a pleased sound after catching Chanyeol's hands and pulling them secure around his waist.

Talking on the airport bus yesterday stopped feeling strange by the time they were past the stops for the short stay hotels, and Zitao right here, warm and solid and definitely real..that's starting to feel pretty normal, too.

"Good morning." Zitao leans his weight back against Chanyeol. He feels like he's gone all soft and melting with Chanyeol's arms around him. Feeling bold, Chanyeol pecks Zitao's cheek. Well, kind of more his hair and ear, but it still gets another happy little hum out of him.

"Morning." Chanyeol worms his hands into Zitao's hoodie pocket, chinning at his shoulder. This whole dating thing is pretty nice. It makes Zitao wiggle side to side when Chanyeol drums his fingers against his belly through the fabric. "Anyway, this is kinda gay," he says when Zitao seems like he'd be content to stay like this all morning.

"It is," Zitao giggles. His rings dig in as he gives Chanyeol's hands a firm squeeze before letting him pull them back.

 

☆

 

Day two's plans are the basic tourist things, except Chanyeol lives in a residential area, so it's more just a tour of the places he hangs out. There's a pretty neat arcade hidden away in a basement between a restaurant and a store that sells herbal tea mixes scooped from sacks, though it's closed mornings. Other than that it's just apartments, convenience stores, cram schools above shops with little signs that aren't lit up at this time of day.

For an hour they wander, Chanyeol rambling off stories about friends Zitao doesn't know and pointing out landmarks that he's mentioned in texts. When he talks about being seventeen, when they first met, Zitao gets such a fond look in his eyes. When Zitao notices a small park and tugs at Chanyeol to lead him over there he leaves his hand around his forearm for a long moment, letting go with a tighter squeeze.

"Sorry this is kinda boring." Chanyeol kicks up little clouds of dry dirt with the toe of his sneaker. Zitao's been looking a little glazed over for the past ten minutes, and Chanyeol can only assume it's because they keep walking and nothing worth seeing turns up.

"Mm?" Zitao looks up from his phone so briefly Chanyeol misses it. Zitao got a tin of some kind of yogurt drink out a vending machine at the park gate and he's got it carefully sat between his thighs, trying to get a picture of it without the light obscuring the patterned label.

As Zitao's not showing any sign of moving soon Chanyeol digs his own drink out of his bag. He just filled one of the bottles he had at home, in case they were out all day. It's one of his old sports bottles, except Chanyeol doesn't do sports anymore. Or at least not frequently or seriously enough to need kit of any kind. He lifts the bottle and water that had been stuck in the cap drips onto his chin, streaks the pale front of his shirt. Chanyeol's just good at being clumsy - inanimate objects team up against him to ensure it.

Zitao, who has probably never worn sweats you could wipe your hands clean on in his life, seems oddly endeared. He fusses with his bag looking for tissues, and when he comes up empty handed uses the sleeve of Chanyeol's jacket instead. Which is spreading the problem rather than solving it, but Chanyeol's struck dumb by Zitao's hand pressing to his chest.

"Uh. Thanks," he says once his jacket is as damp as his shirt. Zitao beams, happy to have helped. He's beautiful. Chanyeol stubs his toes in the dirt again.

"I can travel any time if I want to do interesting things though?" Zitao flicks the ring pull on the tin. Seems like any time Chanyeol thinks he isn't listening he is. "I came to see you. And now I'll know what the places you tell me about are like." He says that like it's something that really matters, glancing away back towards the gates. Even Zitao can get bashful, apparently.

"Yeah." That's a kind of love that's got Chanyeol all tongue-tied again. He rolls his drink between his hands, thumbing at the cap. "I know I'm great company and all, but it's not like you're gonna have much to show for the trip here."

Zitao smacks his knee gently with the back of his hand. "How much do I need? I came for the company. You're exactly the same as you are online," he says with no indication of if that's a good or bad thing. "Idiot."

Zitao's both easy and stressful company. It's hard to read his tone sometimes, but that's easy to shrug off when it's just text. And it's ridiculous that the things they know about each other are deeper down than anyone else gets to see, yet here Chanyeol is feeling conscious of how untravelled he is and how uneven Baekhyun cut his bangs. (Baekhyun's not terrible, but it was a spontaneous decision that involved nail scissors and Chanyeol hollering the kind of complaints that just made Jongdae hold him firm in the chair. A hyped Baekhyun is not a steady Baekhyun).

Zitao knows more about how Chanyeol feels than Chanyeol does half the time, more than any of his friends. Even if they're close enough to crash in Chanyeol's bed and the ones he can hug for real when he's sad, there's a lot he wouldn't want them to know. Chanyeol knows where the scars Zitao made the year before they started talking are, but he purposely hasn't looked just for the sake of confirming the fact.

Zitao stands first and offers him a hand, and he still doesn't.

  
Chanyeol was half serious about the fancy date thing, but so was Zitao about not caring so long as they're together. He says he just wants to eat good meat, so they wind up at the place two streets from Chanyeol's apartment. It's where Junmyeon always takes them if it's any kind of occasion - Chanyeol's mentioned it a bunch of times. Probably sent pictures of his food.

Zitao clears the grill almost entirely by himself. He eats nothing like any girls Chanyeol has done the kind-of-dating thing with, or even like his friends. He's greedy and excited about cramming pieces of everything available into his mouth, wiggling happily and talking loudly around mouthfuls. He keeps burning his tongue, whining and laughing with his mouth open to try and cool the half-chewed food faster.

Chanyeol mostly just pokes and turns the meat, complaining like he wanted to eat it while he slowly munches his way through the little side dish of pickles. The lady who took the order is around his mother's age and always smiles like she enjoys a young crowd when they pile in here after classes. It's impossible not to notice the way she keeps glancing over at them, but the few times Chanyeol catches her eye she only smiles again.

It's nice imagining that she's happy for them. Or it could just be that Zitao is genuinely stunning and she wants a good look. Understandable.

 

☆

  
Zitao takes twenty minutes on his skincare routine. Chanyeol listens to him singing, chewing on his thumbnail, just standing in the hall between his bedroom and the bathroom. He didn't get that blanket from Yoora.

There's thin lines of water on Zitao's throat when he steps out of the bathroom, and his hair is messy from the band pushing it back. He startles when he practically walks into Chanyeol.

"It's not gonna be comfy, but," Chanyeol tilts his head towards his room. Zitao's wiping under his chin with the neck of his shirt, looking sleepy and curious and-- fuck it, it'll be a long time until they get to do this again. "It's fine if you wanna share with me."

Zitao lights up. "Can--"

"You can't sleep naked."

  
Unless it's midsummer Chanyeol usually wears a shirt and shorts to bed, so it's not like he's changing the rules or anything. Zitao doesn't look all that impressed with having to keep his underwear on, but he does look very, very pleased to be wriggling in under the covers alongside Chanyeol.

Zitao is his boyfriend. This is fine. This is nice. Chanyeol gets the light, and as soon as it's dark and silent he feels awkward as a sixteen year old to have his arm around Zitao's broad, bare shoulders.

It's only the second night, but there's also only one left.

"Tomorrow's when I have a class," Chanyeol says just for something to say. The chemical sweetness on Zitao's skin is so strong from here. "But it's only the morning, so we can do stuff after." It's kind of exciting finally being properly alone together. Kind of.

"I know when your classes are. There's some things I wanted to buy while I'm here, so I can do that." Zitao sounds and fidgets like he's pouting. Six months Chanyeol's been on this schedule, of course he knows.

"Ok," Chanyeol says, and Zitao leans in to kiss him.

Maybe it's because he only intended a sweet goodnight kiss, or because Chanyeol's response is to make a shocked, wailing little noise, but it's brief. Zitao pulls back spluttering with laughter, collapsing over Chanyeol's chest in a messy kind of hug.

"I'm out of practice." Zitao giggles, cheek warm against Chanyeol's shoulder. "You more than me though, right?" His tone is probably more nerves than intentional teasing, but Chanyeol scowls and bumps him with a loose fist.

Chanyeol's older, so yeah, high school dating is further behind him. Both of them dated in high school; neither of them have so much as looked at someone else since they decided to officially become A Thing. Maybe that means they should be kissing more.

"I guess," Chanyeol mutters. It's hot as hell under the covers with Zitao pressed so close. At least it's too dark for him to see that Chanyeol's ears are probably scarlet. "I had better things to do than date anyway, y'know."

Zitao hums and noses at Chanyeol's shoulder. "I know." Not that Chanyeol couldn't get dates - that he wriggled his way out of all of them.

It's kind of nice, kind of strange not needing to have a verbal conversation to already have said all that needs saying there. Years of texting has covered most things at some point, and Chanyeol's failed attempts at _being a normal guy_ during his early teens is a well worn subject.

"Anyway, we shouldn't take long sleeping if you have to get up early, right?" Zitao gets the conversation back on track with the subtlety of a brick. His hand had landed at Chanyeol's waist, but now it's splayed on his stomach and steadily heading south. Chanyeol lets him feel his way down, because Zitao is his boyfriend, and it's fine. He's tense under the touch, but like Zitao said, he's pretty out of practice.

"I, uh. Yeah." It's fine until Zitao reaches skin, worming his fingers under the hem of Chanyeol's shirt. It's cold and ticklish, and for a second Chanyeol's totally on board with it. Heat rolls down through him, makes him want to arch towards the point of contact. Zitao traces the soft line of hair on his belly and picks at the band of his shorts with his nails, and that's when Chanyeol's own hand shoots under the covers to grab his wrist.

"What? You take like five minutes," Zitao whines, pulling against his hand. Chanyeol flares hot all over. Dry, uncomfortable heat compared to the licks of fire low in his belly. Zitao rolls his tongue over his lower lip, "I can do it in two if you let me try."

"I-- no. No, you don't have to." Chanyeol's sweating through the back of his tshirt now.

"I've never tried before? But I'll be good," Zitao insists, already sitting up.

It takes a second to dawn on Chanyeol that he doesn't just mean he wants to use his hands, and that's.. Chanyeol's barely managing to kiss Zitao's mouth, let alone imagining it elsewhere. "Tao, don't take this the.." A hard swallow to get the cotton balls out of his mouth, "The wrong way, but I don't want you to."

"Why?" Zitao looks ugly when he pouts, and Chanyeol's eyes have adjusted enough to see the way his chin is jutting out. He really, really thinks he's in love. He doesn't have an answer.

"It's late."

The bed jogs a little from how hard Zitao falls back onto his pillow. "You think it'll be that bad?"

"No? It's not.." Chanyeol doesn't have a clear cut answer to that either. Zitao can probably figure out how to suck a dick just fine. Whether Chanyeol would find it good or bad is another matter. "Just, wait until a better time, y'know?"

Which basically is tomorrow. Zitao's got an evening flight booked, so that rules out his last day for extensive discussion. For a moment the silence feels tense, and Chanyeol thinks Zitao isn't going to accept no for an answer. He's going to throw a tantrum, or move back to the couch, or back to China because Chanyeol's fucked up somewhere with the niceties of being offered an orgasm.

"A better time," Zitao echoes, sounding puzzled. It's a relief when he shrugs and nuzzles back in against Chanyeol's shoulder.

Like, ok, probably you don't normally set a night aside for that special first blowjob. It's just, it's complicated. They've talked about it being complicated, and Zitao remembers how long Chanyeol leaves for when he pauses their good morning conversations to jerk off before he gets ready for class but doesn't seem to think those late night crises are relevant. It'd be a dumb thing to get choked up over, but for a second Chanyeol thinks that's what's going to happen.

This is supposed to be fun. Or nice, or-- probably anything better than what Chanyeol's feeling. If he had to place it as something it'd be dread. Five missed calls, assignment you forgot was due, mom demanding an explanation.

Nerves is all it is, because Chanyeol's never dated a guy before. Never touched a guy before, and Zitao knows that, and that Chanyeol was unsure before now. Somehow Chanyeol hadn't considered that this would be a problem. He hadn't really thought about this part at all, honestly, and he suddenly feels something close to nauseous with how fucking naive that was.

Zitao can't keep his hands to himself with Chanyeol right here to touch, but they stay safely at his shoulders and ribs, nowhere near anything sensitive. "Can we kiss again, at least?" He sounds like he's talking around a smile. "Sorry? I'm hard," Zitao giggles. He's breathless and it twists Chanyeol's insides up. "You don't have to do anything. But can I?"

Chanyeol's not the kind of person who likes to say no. Kissing isn't all that bad though, so that's how he responds. Zitao melts into it, opening up for Chanyeol with little sounds that make him flush hot and cold. No hesitation at all.  
  
Maybe he should have at least made a hypothetical offer in return, but if the thought of Zitao between his thighs is this unsettling, it's hard to picture himself doing the same. Zitao seems content just like this, so for now.. that's enough.

 

  
★

 

Chanyeol wears a turtleneck sweater to class despite the heat.

"So he _is_ your boyfriend." Sehun grins, despite Chanyeol's great idea with the sweater. He tugs at the neck, but really all it does his confirm he's trying to hide the single red mark there.

"It wasn't all that much of a secret anyway," he huffs. Fuck Sehun and his gaydar. This could totally be from someone else. A girl Chanyeol met while he and his good friend from China were out last night. It's not, but. "He is. It's not a big deal."

"No, no. Just happy for you."

"Ok." Chanyeol had been hoping to avoid Sehun completely today - preferably until after Zitao is safely back in China - but Junmyeon caught him on his way out of class. And of course where there's Junmyeon there's Sehun - Junmyeon chattered away all the way to their usual meeting place and then stepped aside to reply to a text that apparently couldn't wait two minutes, leaving Sehun to peer down the neck of Chanyeol's sweater.

"So, hyung," Sehun drags the words out, tilting his head left then right, "Finally meeting up and all. Fun night?"

Wow, no. "Shut up. Shut up," Chanyeol grabs Sehun's shoulder, turning him inward. The last thing he wants is for Junmyeon to overhear. He'll start asking questions about how safe they're being and offering links to sites for teenagers who don't have a loud gay best friend to explain prep in gruesome detail. Fair enough he'd be right in thinking Chanyeol didn't have the guts to ask at the clinic for condoms, but that's mostly because he had no intention of requiring any.

Sehun's laughing, because Sehun's a terrible friend.

"We just kissed and stuff," Chanyeol mutters, very aware that he sounds like a kid grudgingly admitting to a crush. He leaves the _stuff_ to Sehun's imagination. Sehun damn well knows Chanyeol's no homo'd every hug that's lasted longer than a few thumps on the back takes. That's probably why he's finding this all so amusing. Yes, he was just in denial, confused - apparently obviously.

"And? How was it?"

Stressful. "Nice, I guess."

Zitao kisses gently and thoroughly. He touched himself and kissed Chanyeol's mouth until he was dizzy, kissed along his jaw to his ear, his throat. Sealed his teeth and lips to skin and rocked hard into his fist, sucked a bruise hard into Chanyeol's neck to muffle the sound of his whimpering, breathing harsh through his nose.

It had been Chanyeol's idea to postpone because he needed an early night, but he was awake for a good twenty minutes after a sated, sticky Zitao crashed out nuzzled in the crook of his shoulder. He ached too much to sleep, eventually drifting off amid thoughts of stealthily stroking one out there or tiptoeing to the bathroom.

It's not a lie that it was nice, amongst other things.

"So you guys are ok for everything for the rest of his stay?" It's like Sehun's a mini Junmyeon in training or something. Chanyeol swats him before he can unzip the side pocket on his bag.

"I don't want to talk about it? We're not-- Sehunnie, we don't really do the relationship gossip thing."

"Because you're never in one. Hyung," Sehun says very patiently. He volunteers at the on-campus clinic - he's used to it. "I'm not saying you're irresponsible or trying to embarrass you or anything. It's important. Don't get mad I'm looking out for you."

"Whatever." There's no helping that Chanyeol's already both irresponsible and embarrassed. Sehun frowns, so Chanyeol musters up a smile. "We're fine. I know. You've imparted enough gay wisdom."

"What's this?" Junmyeon finally joins them, holding his phone in both hands. The cover he uses makes it look like a leather journal when it's in his bag. For some reason he's always been paranoid about how impolite it would look to just have a phone that's obviously a phone.

"We were talking about Tao. Chanyeol's friend that's here to visit." It's cool of Sehun to leave that for Chanyeol to rephrase how he wants, leaving a pause open for him as he lets Junmyeon fuss with how his bag straps are on his shoulders. It's nice how naturally the two of them fit together. Junmyeon beams, leaning his head back against Sehun's chest. Chanyeol just smiles back. "Hyung's just leaving to meet up with him."

"And everything is.." Junmyeon gestures vaguely with his phone. "You're getting along as well as you thought? Having a nice time?"

Sehun prods at Junmyeon's shoulder, presumably to shut him up. It's a more subtle interrogation, but Chanyeol's relieved when Junmyeon takes the hint and just nods, like Chanyeol's already answered. "How exciting."

"Yeah, it's.." There's ten minutes spare before Chanyeol needs to be at the department store to stop Zitao buying out more than he can carry back to Qingdao. It's not far, but checking his watch again with a frown gets the point across. "I should," he shrugs his sleeve back up. They both nod; he should.

It'd be nice to ask them what the hell is happening, honestly, and if he'd stayed any longer he might have. Chanyeol's in love with his boyfriend for sure, and he's not half bad to look at. Maybe it's not gay if he was indifferent to seeing him shirtless (though in that respect he was also pretty certainly not straight), but it probably was that making out left him aching hard. But then there was the whole squirming away thing, like he's always squirmed out of intimacy. There's one obvious answer if girls aren't your thing, Chanyeol figured. He's not sure Sehun deals with advice on how to stop being a massive nervous virgin, he's figuring now.

  
Zitao is already waiting outside the mall when Chanyeol gets there, sitting on a low wall with a row of bags between his feet. "Chanyeol-ah~" he waves his arms helplessly when he catches sight of Chanyeol approaching.

"A few things, you said." Chanyeol takes the two either end of the row, freeing Zitao's feet.

"There's not really all that much," Zitao defends, pouting. Each store taped the bags closed, it was just easier to carry it all separately than start tearing them open. "Anyway, you wanted me to have fun while I was here." He makes a point. There are a lot of bags, but as Zitao said, as he gathers them up a lot seem to only contain one or two small things. "Was class ok?"

Chanyeol shrugs. "Boring. I missed you. Sehun and his boyfriend said hi and stuff." And offered him condoms. Chanyeol sticks a finger under his cap to loosen it where he's feeling too hot. "Wanna get ice cream while we're here?"

Gesturing for Chanyeol to turn around, Zitao hums loudly. "Only if you remember what my favourite is."

Chanyeol turns, then feels Zitao tugging on his backpack. "Mango." He hears the zippers being unfastened, then a lot of rustling.

Zitao stuffs half the contents of his shopping bags into Chanyeol's backpack and kisses him in thanks, holding his rough cheeks in both hands and pressing a loud smooch to his forehead. "You're the best," he grins. It's a playful gesture and doesn't draw them any attention, but Chanyeol has to swallow his heart back down from his throat before he can reply. ("Damn right I am.")

 

☆

  
It's not that Chanyeol's trying to put off the possibility that Zitao will expect they make time for sex tonight, but..he's also totally doing that. Three days isn't enough time. The two years of being kind of in love should maybe make it enough, and they should have consummated this the moment they were together and real and had an apartment to themselves. In all the preparations they made for Zitao's stay Chanyeol honestly didn't take that one seriously enough to do anything about it. He mostly thought about stupid embarrassing things like they're doing now, like sitting here playing his ancient n64. Just dating for real instead of sitting with a laptop.

Sehun's wrong that they're fucking, but he's completely right that Chanyeol's clueless, hopeless, and didn't even get lube for just in case.

"I don't like these kinds of games," Zitao gripes. Since they started playing he's got his bangs pinned up and his sleeves rolled, tattoo peeking out on the right side. "It's so slow. How do you know what any of the moves are going to do?"

Not Chanyeol's fault if Zitao wasn't as big of a Pokemon nerd as he is. Honestly, he picked a rock type against water just because it looked strong. "It's a classic, shut up and fight."

"It's boring." Zitao huffs, resting his head on Chanyeol's shoulder only to get shoved off again. No distracting your opponent. The only other game Chanyeol still owns is Mario Kart, but he just wanted to play some games, not start a war.

"Because you're losing," Chanyeol says, sending a wave of water Zitao's way, but he can't even get all that enthusiastic about a laughably easy win. He helped unpack Zitao's bag and didn't see any supplies, but that doesn't mean he didn't bring any. Zitao's Onix survives with 12hp left.

"At least if I lose fast it'll be over," he sighs, stretching out his long legs. His toes rest against Chanyeol's ankle.

How many expectations did Zitao come here with? Maybe they really just are too different.

"Hey, uh. You know what we talked about a while back?" Chanyeol stares unblinkingly at the screen, until his eyes are smarting. Playing this makes him feel ten years old again. Zitao reminds him of who he was seven years later, and how distant that feels now, too. "In the locked chat," he adds for context, then mashes the wrong button.

"Mm?" Zitao looks a lot more concerned with choosing a move that isn't Tail Whip, jabbing buttons with his thumb. Ok, fair enough, Zitao may not get the hint that Chanyeol's talking about one specific night of their extensive chat logs.

"That thing I said. How I-- I don't know if I'm gay." He expects Zitao to be flippant. Chanyeol's dating him, isn't he? Of course he's gay. "But like, with you here, that's.. I like you a whole lot, y'know? But it's different. If we're really together, maybe."

"It's ok not to know," Zitao replies easily,"I don't know what I am either." He drops his handset aside and leans back on his hands. He's obviously going to lose with this stupid rock snake, what's the point.

"You're pan? Right?" That's what's on every profile Zitao has, beside his age with a little star. Zitao had never dated a cis guy before Chanyeol either.

"Inside it feels like there's a girl," Zitao says. Chanyeol lowers his handset and blinks over at Zitao, frowning. "There's a girl inside of me. She doesn't need to come out or anything, she's just," he shrugs, taps his fingers against his chest. Right where the patch of hair is. "In here, you know? Here. Did I say that ok?"

Chanyeol nods. Well, they're very different. Sehun would probably know some useful words for this kind of thing, but at lack of them Chanyeol reaches over to squeeze Zitao's leg. "Uh, yeah, you said it fine. You've never mentioned.."

"Never needed to." Zitao shrugs again, then shuffles over to drop his head back on Chanyeol's shoulder. He's persistent with doing that, like a cat headbutting for attention. Chanyeol obligingly scritches behind his ear, and Zitao says, "But I did, 'cause all that stuff-- being a hundred percent of whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm not all boy. You don't have to be totally gay to date me. I don't care."

"Sehun will be disappointed if I'm not, now."

Zitao giggles at that. "Chanyeol. Chanyeol-ah~" he wheedles, nosing at Chanyeol's neck. "We played your game. Can we go to bed now?"

"You didn't let me finish beating you." Chanyeol forces out a laugh as Zitao giggles again, pitchier this time because now he's excited. Zitao stands, takes Chanyeol's hand, and leads the way.

  
Last night it was uncertainty, but this time it's a definite, cold spike of fear. It's not nerves. If it was nerves Chanyeol would do what he always does and just go for it. He'd at least feel like it would be worth it, right? But what nineteen year old turns down the offer of a hand other than their own? His boyfriend is a goddamn model.

So Chanyeol just wonders if he's doing this whole relationship thing wrong. If they should have been locked in his bedroom since Zitao arrived, taken photos and film to remind them when they're apart again. Maybe he's done all of this wrong. Maybe it's a bad thing he only tells Zitao when he's jacking off so he stops texting for five damn minutes, and that he's deleted all the nudes after a quick glance. Nudes that Zitao's only sent because he likes being looked at but wouldn't give that much away for free online.

They've never really talked about sex outside of past experiences (non-experiences in Chanyeol's case), and Chanyeol's been ignorantly fine with that. It's just a hassle out of the way.

By the time Chanyeol's out of his hoodie Zitao's already shirtless, perched on the edge of the bed and wiggling like he was all the way home from the airport. He's excited, and Chanyeol wishes he could say the same, because he loves Zitao and he loves that Zitao is so happy because of this, and because of _them_ , but..

"You're so slow~"

Suddenly Chanyeol finds himself on the bed, shirt still on, Zitao grinning at him. "Don't rush a guy," he huffs, straightening his shirt out. It's twisted around his shoulders where Zitao tugged him down by the back of it, and Zitao rolls his eyes as Chanyeol fusses with it instead of just pulling it off.

"If I don't you won't be undressed until tomorrow. I wanna touch you," Zitao says, his voice even deeper than Chanyeol's for the split second before he's laughing again. "Chanyeol, show me~" he whines playfully, and there's some scrabbling as he tries to wedge a hand under Chanyeol's shirt. Zitao's strong, so Chanyeol doesn't stand much chance coming out on top of this.

Literally, it turns out, because when Zitao decides to just tackle him down there's not much he can do about it. "What the fuck," Chanyeol wheezes, "How do you look so skinny? You weigh a fucking ton."

"Muscle," Zitao laughs, and he's proving the point by how easily he's got Chanyeol pinned. Kissing is still ok, and Zitao's eager hands on Chanyeol, one in his soft brown hair and the other just above his waist..it's a more familiar sensation now. The uncalled for flight instinct wants to kick in again when Chanyeol realises what he can feel pressing against his thigh, but even distracted and half crushed by his elephant of a boyfriend he knows his own body. He's turned on too. It's almost a relief to realise that.

Chanyeol traces the tattoo on Zitao's bicep with a thumb; touching him but focused, close and safe while Chanyeol tries to think ahead. Zitao makes the softest little groan, shifts until the angle is just right to create friction when he rocks down. Chanyeol realises he's barely breathing. It's one thing feeling vaguely nauseous over the mental image of Zitao's mouth around him, but of course this isn't only about him receiving. He's doing this to Zitao-- he's not really _doing_ anything, but he's the one Zitao's grinding down into a mattress. That's what you want, right? To affect someone that way, but his mind feels heavy and cloudy trying to process it.

It's just the part after this - the part where you take the next step and push down your nerves and put your hand in his jeans. Chanyeol could honestly get off right now just from the kissing. He just would rather do it himself in the shower, like usual, and come back to a giggling Zitao telling him he's too fast, like usual.

"I wanna touch you," Zitao reminds him, playful tone gone now. "And you touch me. And let me suck you this time, and, we don't have long enough together.." He's starting to get muddled and breathy again, so Zitao occupies his mouth with sloppy kisses around the neckline of the shirt Chanyeol's _still_ damn wearing. Zitao's impatient and pretty sure even if he clumsily grinds one out just like this, in his jeans against Chanyeol's thigh, he'll be ready again in no time. "I want your fingers in me," he confesses, flushing hot. "Can I do that for you too?"

Chanyeol makes a kind of choked sound in his throat. And Zitao, he's admittedly not all that experienced, but he's not an idiot. Chanyeol's straining away - really straining, heels dug into the mattress, hands balled in the pillow under him. Zitao pushes back up onto his elbows immediately.

"Are you ok? You look.." Zitao's mouth twists uncomfortably. There aren't really any words coming to mind that he'd want to use, here in bed with his boyfriend. "I'm sorry. Was that too much at once?"

"No, I'm sorry," Chanyeol tries to keep his tone level. He doesn't want to let on that he's scared. So he can pretty fucking safely rule out that he actually _wants_ to do this enough to try. What's there to be scared about in your incredibly attractive boyfriend wanting to give you head? Like, he gets himself off a lot to the thought of things like that, and ideally the goal is to have someone actually do it for you. So he hears.

If he really thinks about it, since the pressure of high school went away he's done his best to avoid the subject altogether. Being committed covers him.

Zitao chews on his lip, watching Chanyeol carefully. Chanyeol's intently looking anywhere but at Zitao. Moving seems a good idea. Chanyeol's features crumple a little as Zitao carefully slides out of his lap to fill the small space beside him.

"I'm forward," Zitao says, half-declarative but tripping on the unfamiliar word. Chanyeol snorts. No kidding. "But I didn't mean I wanted to.. do everything right now. You're my first-" Zitao glances down. They're both still visibly hard. That feels kind of awkward now. "-too. It's ok to figure it out slowly. I came on too heavy? I really like you-- I got excited."

"I don't think you're in the wrong for that. I just.. I didn't think we would." It's too late to salvage this any other way, Chanyeol figures, even though his heart is already sinking. Stupid, naive.. "I know that must sound dumb. Right? But we never talk about it, so I guess I hadn't really.." Ever considered it. "..felt prepared?"

Zitao hums. His hand isn't as clammy as Chanyeol's as he reaches up under the pillow for it, wrapping Chanyeol's fingers and palm up safely in his own. "Isn't this just what boyfriends do?"

For a horrible moment Chanyeol gets a spark of a memory - a similar conversation with a girl who'd taken him out into the stairwell of her apartment building, prodding a finger into his chest, asking if he thought she was stupid. A soft kiss to his shoulder brings him back. Chanyeol told Zitao about her a long time ago, and Zitao said if it wasn't right then it wasn't right, simple as that.

But if Zitao looks at him and feels those things, why doesn't he? It's definitely not because he doesn't like him -- love him, even. The two are supposed to correlate somewhere. It should be right this time. Finally right, after how wrong he's been in the past.

"Chanyeol-ah~" Zitao nuzzles like a tiny cat in a too-big body. "Whatever you want to say you should be honest. I'm always honest."

To a fault. Chanyeol's not really like that. He's a people-pleaser to a fault, but if he can only give Zitao one thing he wants right now then he'll give him the truth.

"I think if you touch me I'm gonna puke. If I touch you I'm gonna puke, and I can't.." He can't even focus too closely on the idea of any parts of Zitao being inside him, or it starts to come up into his throat. "Tao, I really can't."

Zitao's mouth slacks a little. Understandably that wasn't the conversation he was expecting. "Huh? If you don't wanna you don't have to be like that about it. I know you haven't done any of this before, I wasn't gonna make a deal of it in case it bothered you or something, but--"

"I don't mean because it's you," Chanyeol cuts in quickly. Zitao was starting to sound mad, but he's still holding Chanyeol's hand firmly. "I mean, it's how I've always felt. It's despite it being you. I thought I could just try and maybe it'd be ok, but I don't think I can. It's not because I don't.. no, I mean, I guess it is that I don't want to." His stomach is rolling like he's maybe just going to puke anyway. "But I wanted to try for you."

Zitao gives him an odd look. "You do stuff like that because you both want to do it together. What's even the point if you're unhappy?"

Chanyeol shrugs helplessly. The point was finally losing his virginity to the right person, and being in love the right way. Not feeling so abnormally different to his friends, and maybe figuring out why it matters at all. Having a relationship that didn't end because he got awkward and distant. Knowing if he's into guys or girls or, just, _knowing_ what the hell he is. "I always fuck this up."

"It would be more fucked up for me to be _making_ you-" Zitao inhales sharply, blows the breath back out slow. When he blinks up towards the ceiling his eyes are glossy. "If it makes you feel bad then I don't- why would I want to if it was making you feel like that?"

If they'd just stayed in the other room and Zitao had figured out how to pick his Pokemon better this wouldn't have had to happen. That's maybe the only kind of dating Chanyeol's good at, and it doesn't matter when distance hides it. He swallows hard. "You said it - it's just what boyfriends do."

"But not until they're both ready," Zitao says so gently, squeezing Chanyeol's hand. Chanyeol's too focused on keeping down another hard wave of nausea to return it. He always imagined he'd be the strong one, protecting Zitao, making sure he was never hurt. That's just how he imagined it, because Zitao's always seemed to like being small and sweet.

"You don't understand."

"I do," Zitao pouts. He may not always seem like he's paying attention, but he could probably recite Chanyeol's disastrous dating history backwards at this point. And Chanyeol's always been stubborn about his insecurities - they're pretty similar that way. "Being with a guy is all new and weird, and you had bad experiences, and it's your first time and everything. So that's a lot, but I don't mind how slow we take things."

Chanyeol groans into his free hand. Zitao's wrong, but how Chanyeol would love if that's all the problem was. It's sitting heavy and sour in his mouth, how he could just say _I'll never be ready_. I never want to. But that's a little too much honesty for him right now. "Thanks," he says instead. "For being understanding. I'm just being stupid."

Zitao shakes his head, earrings swinging. "If it matters to you, no. Anyway, seeing as our plans have changed.." Smoothing his hands down his thighs and readjusting his jeans with a quick tug and tuck is about as subtle as Zitao gets. He clears his throat and swipes his shirt up from the floor, though they both know he's not going to put it back on. "I'm gonna go do my face and stuff. What if I hadn't! It would have been the first time in _years_ , my whole face would probably break out overnight."

"Like you'd know anything about breakouts," Chanyeol grumbles, fairly sure Zitao's never had to slather his face in toothpaste and tea tree oil and god knows what else. He's also fairly sure Zitao's just trying to give him some space, because.. well, how else are you supposed to react to a rejection like that? While Zitao's got his back turned Chanyeol shifts to lie in the warm spot he left behind. He pulls a pillow into his arms, hugging it tight to his chest.

"Chanyeollie," Zitao pronounces the unfamiliar sound slowly. He knows it but he never uses it. Chanyeol's face burns with affection. He presses his cheek deeper into the pillow, and Zitao's leans in to nuzzle at his shoulder instead. "If you had told me how you felt.. It can wait. Until next time, or the next-next time, or whenever."

"Bullshit," Chanyeol mumbles into the pillow, despite the warm twist in his gut. Zitao is so damn annoying with his soft voice and a strong hand rubbing Chanyeol's back. Chanyeol's probably always wanted to be looked after a little bit, but you don't ask girls for that kind of thing. Zitao's never minded asking Chanyeol for anything.

"I'm not a bad guy," Zitao pouts, "Or a patient one, usually, but this is different. I'll be back soon, ok?" He pecks Chanyeol's shoulder where his cheek had been resting, gives his waist a pat, then pushes out of the uncomfortable crouch he's been in.

Considering how this has always worked out in the past, Chanyeol's having a hard time processing it. But that..seems to be it. Sorted just like that. No shouting. Zitao just waddles away towards the bathroom, already singing under his breath.

 

☆

 

Since before Zitao even arrived Chanyeol had a vague plan to make a special breakfast on his last morning - something traditional and homely, like his mom makes. But like a lot of Chanyeol's good intentions, he'd kind of forgotten somewhere along the line to follow through.

So omelette it is. It's at least something cooked and more nutritious than the combination of sugary juice and leftover takeout they've been getting by on. There were even some salvageable spinach leaves in the otherwise mushy bag balled up in the fridge drawer. Chanyeol feels healthier just looking at the mix as he pours it into a pan.

Occasionally he does stuff like this for himself, but not often enough that he's got a decent range of supplies to make it fancy. Zitao's some kind of outlier that always eats good cooked meals; even when Chanyeol crashes with the boyfriends Junmyeon makes no effort, responsible adult that he is, to figure out how the stove works.

Either the smell of food or the loud curse when Chanyeol narrowly saves his half of the omelette from the floor draws Zitao out of the bedroom. More likely the noise judging by the surprised, then delighted laugh he lets out when he walks in to find a pink-faced Chanyeol, two full plates, and a bomb site in the kitchen area.

"Uh, morning." Chanyeol still has the impulse to fiddle with his hair when he's embarrassed, despite how long ago it was chopped short. He pulls at one of his hoodie cords instead. "I was just gonna bring this in."

"Oh. Sorry, I heard a noise, so.." Zitao's grin is sleepy and so inane, and Chanyeol's flushing warm all over again. If you searched _breakfast in bed_ in their chat log you'd find Chanyeol's username beside _not fucking likely_. "Well, I'm here now."

Zitao's hair is sticking up from the pillow, and he shouldn't look as good as he does yawning and scratching at his bare belly. He at least put on some pants before venturing out here. Sweats that are definitely Chanyeol's and a much tighter fit around Zitao's muscular thighs -- a _much_ tighter fit when he bends to clear a space for their plates on the coffee table. What was Chanyeol doing again?

Right, breakfast.

"I figured I should send you home on some decent food so mama Huang doesn't think I didn't look after you."

Zitao takes the plate and fork Chanyeol offers. "I like any food though."

Chanyeol turns back to grab his own plate and hears the couch groaning, and he knows by now it's because Zitao is wiggling happily.

"Still, she'll be excited to have you back, right?" Chanyeol folds his legs in so their knees are touching. "And you can get back to your Instagram lifestyle. Everyone must be wondering what I've done with you."

Zitao shrugs. He clearly wants to eat, but he's just using the side of the fork to break the omelette into chunks. "It's hours until we need to think about that."

"I think we need to.." Chanyeol starts, but Zitao is taking Chanyeol's face in his hands in that way he has, and by the time the kiss is over Chanyeol's forgotten what he was saying.

 

Packing Zitao's two bags up doesn't take all that long. Because he didn't bring much it doesn't really make the place look all that different without it, but there's already a weird sense of formality about the bags and shoes waiting by the door. Chanyeol doesn't like it - having this little window of time, like there's a countdown ticking away the hours they have left.

Zitao went out into the living area to take a call from mama Huang while Chanyeol made an excuse to come and sulk in his room, slightly paranoid that she would want to talk to the guy that's been making her baby sleep on a couch if she heard he was right there. She's meeting Zitao at the airport and they need to finalise the plans. Chanyeol's folded up cross legged and small on his bed, picking at the rough skin around his nails while Zitao's speakerphone call echoes through the place.

Now and then mama Huang laughs, and Chanyeol thinks their moms would probably make pretty good friends. Zitao leaving was always going to be hard, but Chanyeol had kind of been looking at it that this would add context to their relationship. They'll just be in each other's phones again, but with stories about when they met, and plans to meet again that sound more plausible now it's happened once. And..stuff, maybe.

The call ends, replaced with the sound of Zitao singing off tune to himself. He does it in the shower in the mornings, and when they're waiting to cross the road, and when any normal person would just be having a lapse in conversation. Basically any time he's not busy talking, eating, texting, or kissing. Zitao really knows how to take up a space and make it his own.

Chanyeol rubs the centre of his chest with his knuckles, trying to iron out the ache there.

"You know, you were right," Zitao's voice comes from just behind the door. He's still looking at his phone when he walks in. "It's been like a day and a half since I checked Instagram, a few people asked if I was safe. What do they think you've done with me?" He drops down onto the bed and wiggles close, until he's chinning at Chanyeol's shoulder. "Can I tell them you're a vampire?"

"What? Who's the one that had me trying to cover my neck up all day," Chanyeol reminds Zitao. His laugh is hot in the back of Chanyeol's hair.

Zitao wiggles again, because he always wiggles, fitting his arms in around Chanyeol's waist and humming contently when he's settled. He tries to nose in at Chanyeol's neck, but it's hard getting past the hood in the way. "You wore this yesterday." Zitao settles for just planting his face into the bulky fabric. "Actually, I think every day since I got here."

"Um." Like, true, but who says that?

Chanyeol's the kind of guy that leaves the sleeves of his jackets half inside out and tends to do laundry based on smell. And hoodies-- who even washes those? Zitao isn't like that, but the sweats he's seemingly planning to wear home wouldn't be the first item of Chanyeol's clothing he's tried to nab. (But he had to ask the previous times, and so far Chanyeol hasn't sent any. Not because it's weird or he didn't want to, but Zitao's concept of _clothing you don't want anymore_ is a little unrealistic on his budget).

It's not a gentle move when Chanyeol drops his head back to rest against Zitao's. "Did you only decide to start dating guys so you could be as rude as you like? Try saying something like that to a girl."

"Shut up. I'm being nice." Zitao's arms squeeze tighter around Chanyeol, and yeah, he really wasn't joking about the muscle thing. "You smell like you," he huffs, "And I like it."

"Yeah, don't get a boner over it or anything."

"Do you mind that I feel that way?" Zitao asks instead of whining like he was supposed to.

The laugh Chanyeol attempts comes out more like he was just clearing his throat. "Why?" He tries to focus on the warm weight of Zitao over his back rather than the heavy ache in his chest. "'cause I swear, if you're _actually_ getting a boner from this.."

There's just a soft grumbling sound as Zitao nuzzles in deeper. "I love you. You got that, right?" Chanyeol nods. And _then_ Zitao whines, butting his chin into Chanyeol's bony shoulder. "Even if I was it'd be because I like you, what's so bad about it."

"I'm irresistible, it's not your fault."

Zitao sighs heavily. "I don't know if you're joking.." Charming. "I like you because I like you. I dunno why you get so embarrassed about it. When you're close to someone you like stuff happens, that's how it works."

"If you want to have sex why don't we ever talk about it?" Chanyeol asks before his brain has time to catch up and stop him. "Don't you ever get mad that we don't talk about it?"

"It's not all that interesting? Just talking. And you know how my spelling is.." Zitao shrugs. Chanyeol can feel the hard line of his chest pressing right into his back. "Sometimes I hope you'll show me. But it's ok you never have."

"You never asked."

Zitao sighs a hot puff of air against Chanyeol's neck. "Would you have said yes?"

Fair point. Chanyeol shakes his head, and Zitao squeezes him so tight around his waist it hurts.

  
There's still a couple of hours left before Zitao needs to be out of here. He can pay for a cab himself this time instead of taking the bus, so it's bought them an extra half hour. It's probably better to have the time to talk about this in person. Probably. They could have just gone shopping or something. Chanyeol hates shopping, but he hates this conversation more.

"I was excited to do those things with you." Zitao has a pillow hugged against his chest the same way Chanyeol does, and when he pouts he droops his chin down onto it. "I would lie if I said I didn't think about it, but I haven't spent our whole relationship just waiting for it. That would be weird? I take care of myself..it's not like that's no good."

They're sitting backs to the wall, legs stretched out side by side. Zitao's are slightly longer and twice the thickness of Chanyeol's, when usually Chanyeol's the giant around here. Both of them are naturally restless; it's unintentional that their feet keep touching, but now and then they bump and rest together.

"Yeah." Neither the anxious knots in Chanyeol's stomach or the ache in his chest are being successfully smothered by the pillow however tightly he's squeezing it. This has always been a deal breaker - in his past relationships, when his friends talk about their own. Now he has a few more words for explaining it, at least, which is progress. Just progress in the wrong direction. "Tao, it was.. You were good, how you dealt with things last night. And your offer, about waiting."

"Ok." Zitao side-eyes Chanyeol. "And.."

"And I'm pretty sure I don't want to." There. He's finally said it. Only took six years. "Like, ever, I guess. I've probably always known that? And blamed other things, like.. You know, like, who just..who doesn't like it? What is that?" Chanyeol's flushed from his ears to his chest, and he'd like more than anything to hide behind this pillow and stay there until Zitao's gone. But Zitao's just sitting there, toes nudging against Chanyeol's foot. "If it was going to be anyone it'd be you, y'know? And it isn't. Whatever I'm supposed to feel, I just don't. And it's not even like..like, I'm just kind of not interested, it's more."

Zitao may not have been the person to change that, but he's the only one Chanyeol could say this to. For someone with such a volatile temperament he's been..well, Chanyeol hasn't spent all that long around Zitao for real yet, but he's pretty sure he doesn't normally stay subdued for this long.

"The feeling pukey thing," Zitao says, staring ahead at their feet. "Were you scared? I wouldn't.."

"It felt like something bad," Chanyeol agrees. "But..not super scary, ‘cause I know you wouldn't. I don't know why it's like that, but I don't think I can change it. So I don't know where that leaves us." He runs a hand through his hair, stops and pulls hard at the back. "What you said before - you are always honest. So you can just be honest if this isn't gonna work now, y'know?"

They're both easy criers, both heavy handed. Chanyeol's the one that tears up first, pressing a sleeve to his face.

"No." Zitao elbows Chanyeol right in the ribs. "No. We're not talking about that. That doesn't need to be a conversation." Zitao's voice is wet and he totally misses trying to slap Chanyeol's arm, catching the pillow instead. "Stop deciding everything yourself."

"What do you expect me to think will happen?"

Zitao just sniffs loudly. He wipes his eyes with the heel of his palm, because he has rings on every finger of his right hand and the left he's wedged under Chanyeol's arm. "We can talk a lot." With enough persistence he loops their arms together, like he's preventing Chanyeol from leaving him right now. "We're good at that. I know all the problems you've had with other people, and maybe those problems aren't what you thought. But if it's still like that with me, then work it out with me?"

"I really--"

"No." Zitao scowls. If there's one thing he can't stand it's being underestimated. (There's a lot of things he can't stand; he has a surprisingly high boyfriend tolerance.) "Not work it out like learn to like it. I mean, now you can think about it instead of blaming other things. And talk to me, and I can talk to you, and we can do everything else we always do anyway."

There's dark spots on the pillow in Chanyeol's arms. He scrubs both cheeks with the cuff of his sleeve until they feel raw from damp friction. Zitao is frowning when he looks back up, his eyes dry again but his face still flushed. It just looks pretty on Zitao, like a filter.

"You know not everyone even thinks about it that much?" Zitao says. He pauses, a thought interrupting what he'd planned to say and adding, "I'd be so tired if I got off as often as you do." Chanyeol chokes on a breath, but Zitao ignores him. "I dunno, I just mean there's a lot of things I'm more interested in. And if we're together then obviously I'm thinking about it, it's part of how I like you. But only one part. Definitely not the most important part."

"That's if I smell right." Chanyeol laughs into his sleeve, squawks when Zitao squeezes their linked arms so tight he swears his elbow gave an unhappy click. Doesn't say no, though. Maybe Zitao will just leave him with a broken arm rather than a broken heart. Chanyeol lets out another choked up laugh, and Zitao curls in against his shoulder.

"So..for you there's a level, right? Like, a line. A.. A limit. Boundary."

Chanyeol shuts him up by pushing the pillow out of his arms and into Zitao's face before he recites even more of a thesaurus. "Seems that way, yeah. Dunno exactly what, though."

"See? There'll be stuff to talk about. Lots to learn."

"You hate learning," Chanyeol points out. "You threw an actual tantrum the last time you had to read a book."

It had looked barely the thickness of 40 pages in the picture. Zitao probably threw the book, too. "Yeah, well I hate green leafy things but I still ate breakfast. I can make exceptions. Anyway," Zitao chins Chanyeol's shoulder, blinking up at him when Chanyeol tilts his head to look. "First question. Can I kiss you goodbye?"

That sounds just fine. "You can kiss me a lot." Chanyeol's already warm from crying and Zitao curled against his side, and it spreads right through him when Zitao giggles right against his mouth.

"You come to see me next time." Zitao thumbs Chanyeol's cheekbone, holding him close to kiss again and again. "When your classes are over I can pay for you to fly out. For like a month. We can spend so much time together."

"You want to spend a whole month like this?" Chanyeol's head feels floaty and his lips feel bruised. He wants to remember it until next time.

"I do."

It doesn't seem a bad idea. Chanyeol angles for another kiss, Zitao's hands warm pressure on his jaw as he shifts his hold.

"We can not have sex in my bed, too. It's bigger than yours," Zitao mumbles as he leans in. He shrieks when Chanyeol splutters a laugh into the kiss, shoves hard at his shoulder. Chanyeol goes down easily, still laughing as he slides down the wall. Zitao follows him, whining and kneading at his shoulders to try and shut him up and stop him moving so much so he can comfortably settle on Chanyeol's chest.  
  
A whole month of this sounds like the best idea they've had so far.

☆

  
"If I'd known you wanted to play Pokemon Stadium I'd have waited for Junmyeon to volunteer." Baekhyun's in long shorts and a tshirt he probably only wears to sleep in. He goes to the couch easily with Chanyeol's big hands steering him and takes the offered handset without further complaint. "No battling though," he says, flicking through the menus, "Which mini-game am I beating you at first?"

"The racing one. That one," Chanyeol points. He startles when Baekhyun's fingers clamp around his wrist. "What. What?" he asks, already flushed hot as Baekhyun inspects the ring on his middle finger.

"Just looked kinda shiny for you." Baekhyun squints, shrugs, drops Chanyeol's hand. "Fancy. One of those Chrome Hearts knock offs?"

"Yeah." Chanyeol thumbs it around so the patterned section of the band is hidden palm side again. It's real silver and way heavier than the 40,000 won replicas that stall outback of the mall sells, but it's a nice weight. It's also terrifyingly expensive and he probably should have refused to take it, but in the moment he couldn't do anything but choke back tears. It's a good thing Baekhyun starts the game then, because Chanyeol's still not entirely got his emotions in check yet.

For the first half of the Rattata race they're busier squabbling over who has which handset and if Chanyeol's looking at the wrong lane or just has terrible coordination for jumping over the obstacles. Being beaten by the game when there's two of you playing is just embarrassing.

"I hated this when we were eleven and you know what?" Baekhyun turns to Chanyeol, but Chanyeol's staring at his phone on the table. Baekhyun doesn't finish the thought, and Chanyeol doesn't notice.

After waving Zitao's cab off from the top of the apartment stairs Chanyeol cried for two minutes solid before texting the group chat and asking if anyone wanted to hang out. Baekhyun was third to reply but offered the quickest trip over, but even so it left Chanyeol with a further forty five minutes of being a snotty mess. He couldn't face the wait for Zitao to officially be gone alone. And he couldn't _say_ that, but after a long pause Baekhyun asks:

"So, hey, today was when your Instagram guy that was visiting left?"

"You got me," Chanyeol says unsteadily. "Didn't like the place being quiet again."

Baekhyun laughs and slaps Chanyeol's knee. "Jeez, Yeollie, I swear if it was possible to die of touch starvation you wouldn't last two days." The squeeze before he picks the handset back up lingers. Chanyeol's grateful for it - Baekhyun isn't wrong.

Sehun wouldn't say anything (he would to Junmyeon, but by extension Junmyeon wouldn't blab either), but anyone who knew about Zitao's visit has probably figured it out themselves by now. Jongdae would have loved trying his Mandarin out on Zitao and Baekhyun would have just loved to meet him. They're a loud group and they share everything they have. Chanyeol carefully avoiding that spoke for itself.

Baekhyun chooses the memory game next. Neither of them are good at this one, but he likes the Clefable in glasses. He had a red framed pair exactly the same when they were kids. "Was it a one off thing? Or do you think you'll do it again?"

"Yeah." Chanyeol misses two beats, but the Clefairy beside Baekhyun's misses 3. "We thought we'd do it again sometime. Or I could go over there or something, maybe."

All Baekhyun does is nod, but it's still somehow a totally knowing move. Probably in a week or two Chanyeol will feel ready to tell them all and they'll pretend to be incredibly shocked that he has a boyfriend, genuinely pleased that he's finally happy in a relationship.

Because he is, and it's _still_ kinda weird, but they're undeniably for real now. They're definitely totally real boyfriends now; one of Zitao's rings on Chanyeol's finger and Chanyeol's sweatpants clinging tight to Zitao's butt. It wasn't exactly a fair exchange.

  
Cleaning up the kitchen mess from this morning is a less painful task with Baekhyun here to fill the silence. Baekhyun has some kind of magic way of making cup noodles taste better when he prepares them, and it's better eating with someone else taking up Zitao's space on the couch than it being left empty.

The plan made sense and all - Zitao insisted on leaving alone because he didn't want to do a big tearful goodbye just before his flight and cry in the airport. That's fair. Chanyeol wouldn't have wanted to cry all the way back on the bus, either. Still, it's hard not to be antsy waiting to hear from him. Normally they'd be texting now anyway. Maybe Chanyeol could skip class tomorrow, struck down by a bad case of love sickness.

"Hey, text," Baekhyun calls the moment Chanyeol isn't staring a hole into his phone sitting on the table. There's a second, third alert. By the fifth Baekhyun loudly mimics the kkt notification as Chanyeol leans over him to swipe his phone up.

Two photos. Apparently Zitao cried anyway.

[paid for plane wifi?? is it working?]  
[chanyeol :(((]  
[look how ugly and puffy I am]

He kind of is for once, eyes pink and sore. When Zitao pouts his face all pulls and juts at odd angles, and he's taken the photo so his chin and nose fill most of the screen. It'll only be a few more hours until everything is back to the way it always is. Well, almost. They have some new things to stay up half the night texting about.

Chanyeol pouts in sympathy. [u look beautiful :*]

[kinda gay]

[guess we are] Chanyeol replies. It's not surprising the wifi isn't the fastest where Zitao is right now, so Chanyeol locks his phone and settles again when the message doesn't show up as read. A minute later the screen lights up with a string of hearts and green leaves. Baekhyun gives the ring on Chanyeol's finger another curious sidelong look as he hides in his hands to laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading ! ☀ come say hi (ie cry about meta w/ me) if you’d like ! [tumbl](https://taonsil.tumblr.com) ❀ [twt](https://twitter.com/taonsil)


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